Letter to the Artist, the Wordsmith, The Dreamer

Dear Artist, Wordsmith, Dreamer

An artist creates a new world out of the one he lives in. He sees things most people would over look. You my dear dreamer create a world all your own.Your words you weave into wonderful stories, your thoughts when spoken or written to me take me to another place where my imagination soars, where i find myself untainted by the horrors of life and also takes me into the depts of it. You say your muse is your Goddess, your inspiration, but like i said i do not see it. You have always had the tools, the brilliance of mind, for the tales you weave. You always had the heart for what you believe in. Do you not see you inspire this "Goddess" of yours. You inspire her to see the world in a different way, you take her mind on a journey, you take her battered and beat down soul to a peaceful escape. You heal with those words. I do not see this Goddess of yours but i see a person, greatful to be in YOUR presence...

Maybe you dont see it, but i do. I do. She is just she but you make her feel as if shes soariing on a high wind. Dear artist, dear wordsmith, dear dreamer you are the high wind she is soaring on. You are what lifts her up and makes her believe she is the muse that inspires. You took her out of a storm of doubt and with your words, stories, thoughts and feelings showed her that maybe she is more than another face in the crowd. I see this muse of yours and you see her in a way no one else, not even she, sees. You see the beauty of her thoughts, her face, her smile. You see her flow with grace when shes falling, you see her dancing when she is walking, you see past the insecurities and doubts and accept them. You dont try to change her flaws, but kiss every single one of them and love them. You my dear world creator take her hand and show her the beauty of her being herself. So if i may say do not thank the your muse...your goddess i am sure she just enjoys being the eyes that reads your words, the ears you tell your secrets to, the heart that recieves your feelings. I am sure she enjoys every moment she is by your side wither it is in dreams, reality, the past, the present, the future, or simply put, when she is in your words.

Dear Artist, Wordsmith, Dreamer thank you for taking her along with so many others on a wonderful journey into and out of ourselves through your designs. Simply Thank You.

Who Killed the Turkey?

Its the holidays and i am at home. After living on my own for awhile its refreshing to be home at times and also a reminder of how much i wanted out of here when i was younger. OH the holidays, how i dread thee. It gives us dam filipinos a reason to get together and go for each others throats. I actually still get a kick of watching the elder women in my family sit around the table trying to one up each other by comparing their families and lives. its funny how it looks like a regular conversation people laughing and chatting but if you pay close attention you can sense the hostillity and violence in those sly remarks.... We even bet on said conversations. i still got money on my aunt by far she is the most skillful and tactful one of the bunch, not saying much but when she does its usually to shyt on all the other peoples lives in the conversation.

"Oh your daughter graduated? hmmmm what is she going to do with a nonsense bs like that..."

Frikken hilarious. as see simply smiles and pats whoevers shoulder shes talking to as if she were saying its ok i know your life is dull.

well as for thanksgiving hmmm being part of a family that loves to gamble( note I HATE CASINOS) my dear cracked out slot machine mother tells me that she wants to go to this place for thanksgiving that serves all you can eat lobster. OK IM A HUGE SEAFOOD LOVER and living in an appartment full of people allergic to seafood how could i pass this up.


1 HOUR LATER....

2 HOURS LATER...

....(dam holiday traffic note to self :add the 210 freeway to those i must bomb when i finish googling "how to make a bomb" and make it out alive without killing myself JUST KIDDING IM NOT A TERRORIST jeebuz)

5 HOURS LATER...

WE HAVE ARRIVED AND LOO AND BEHOLD ITS A FRIKKEN CASINO. well they did have the seafood which was a plus and i do believe i ate myself stupid (Does staring out into space and drooling count?) I just look at them all and go " the lobster was just a set up wasnt it." my dad laughs and goes "you know your mother". Ohh how i know them... the moment dinner was done they all made a break for it and scattered like mice into the blinking and singing ailse of machines and tables with smiling people waiting for you to hand your hard earned cash, legal and illegal, over to their grubbly lil paws. The thing is when you get my mother,father and grandparents in there, there is no way to get them out. See Fire Alarm. See Earthquake. See needing to go to the hospital. See the world is ending.... "Just 10 more minutes..." is all they say...

6 hours later... and a few thousand gone...

Were on our way home. All a little more broke except for me that loves to go up and ask for "spendiing money" only to return and say i lost it all and they give me more. I figure they are going to hand it over to the casino anyways like "HERES MY WALLET TAKE EVERYTHING I GOT". 5 dollars every 20 -60 minutes adds up and sure i feel bad, but dam i gotta pay for school somehow and hustling money is better than dealing drugs out of a library. For all you parents out there... THATS WHERE THE DRUGS ARE IN COLLEGE. its like checking out a book. quick and simple find the kid thats been sitting at the same desk for hours or days hell im not even sure he ever moved from that spot. those bags under his eyes suure seem to be growing bigger. with no coffee cups... hes got to be on something.

Anyways. im getting sidetracked. overall it was an interesting thanksgiving and i have to say i did enjoy myself. And having a person i could talk to was really nice. THANK YOU, you saved me from the blackjack tables (ok ill admit i do have a lil problem with card games ~cough~) and kept me company ~GLOMPS~

Happy Turkey Day people.

p.s and remember if your family starts looking like they are turning into savage beast animals gnawing on turkey legs and fighting for the food at the dinner table,your not crazy... they really do look like that ~wink~

Destination Redemption

~warning written under extreme sleep deprivation so please pardon me~


Title- Story of a Lost Soul


Drifting in and out of consciousness, a calm slowly takes hold of me. A long drive and slowly i begin to lose myself.

Keys in the ignition

Car in drive

Music on

Pull onto the expressway

Everytime i undertake the long journey home, i slowly begin to lose myself on the blacktop with yellow lines that lead to the horizon. It never ends always another on ramp, another road that leads to destinations unknown. And while i know exactly where im heading its not just a journey of physical space, but it is also, in a way, a spiritual journey for me. Two hours, not a long drive in many standards but long enough to lose yourself in thought.

I pull onto the expressway slowly losing myself to those hypnotic yellow lines. Its late and the street lights slowly begin to blur and there are barely any cars on the road, the scenery passes by so quickly i hardly take note anymore. In the passenger seat is my friend, i offered to drive there so they can make the drive back safe and sound. His snores slowly fading into the background and its just me and the endless expanse of road in front of me.

Thoughts run through my head...

Its the official start of the holidays, but why doesnt it feel like it. As a matter of fact it hasnt felt cheery or merry since i was a small child. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, all excuses for my family to want to see me, for me to come home so they can slowly nit pick at everything that i am doing or have done wrong in my life. False smiles, Whispered betrayals, all done in the name of the good spirit of the holidays.

My friends, god it was so nice to see them. I must see them more...

What the FUCK is playing on the radio... must plug in ipod/ insert cd. where have all the good music gone....

Is he snoring?

I cant wait to get home, i miss my family...

I hope they dont bitch again....

COP ?!?!?!? Damn rent a cop had me fooled again. i wonder why do they have to drive cop look-a-like cars?

The further i drive the more i lose myself into my own mind. And slowly begin to take a look at myself. 21 and with nothing to show for it. So young many might say, but as i look at my peers i feel as if i have been left behind. Most of them will be graduating soon, and will start the dreadful ~cough~ i mean "wonderful" ~cough~ journey into the working class, most taking jobs that they will hate for the rest of their lives. But the more these yellow lines pass me and the scenery blends into one giant blur around me, the passengers snores fade and my mind is transported.

I dont want to wake up when im older and go what the fuck did i do with my life, or wake up knowing that i hate my job everyday. Im a simple person with not many wants. (Ok i confess i do have a lil addiction to shoes and peacoats), but in reality i just want to be happy.

I think of my mother, my father, my cousins, brother, grandparents. All of which seem to be dreading waking up and heading to work. Most to burnt out to really enjoy anything, always bitching about one thing or another.

I want to be happy and all that entails for me is to do something i love like write, draw, teach, tell stories, create or corrupt since i know im not a very good example setter. See highschool years. See vices. See Sailor mouth.

And as i slowly lose myself to those yellow lines i feel as if the closer i get to my destination the closer i will somehow arrive at an ephipany. But ephipanies dont happen, not for me they dont. I will still arrive the same lost soul that i was when i left point A, just in a different location. Four years of waiting, Four years of trying and like someone told me its always something else that goes wrong in my life. Maybe its me being a Pessimistic basturd. Optimism doesnt come easy when your evaluating your own life. Its easier to see the good in others, but your own that a whole different cluster fuck you have to deal with. A discombobulated mass of bullshit that not even the best puzzel solvers can deduce.

And as i pull into the home stretch home, 30 more minutes, i realize once again, my problems are trivial. I have a home, a family, although overbearing and often times neurotic, they love me. I have glorious friends. They often time swabble amongst each other, but will always be there for you.A group of strange and ecleetic personalities, most others would look upon and question "do they really all hang out together?" But i wouldnt have it any other way. This strange group of people that most would classifly as weird and off beat are the most genuine and real people i know.

Its just another night driving to visit the family and im twitching from all those energy drinks. Its just another 2 hour drive home and im here. Its time to see the family the old cronies from high school and the devil cat from hell which needs to be tossed out a moving vehicle. I am home and slowly i am begining to feel the holiday cheer, wishing i could share it with those i have left behind at point A, wishing i can share it with the one who is far away. Wishing that hopefully this new year ill have discovered myself.

Blank Piece of Paper and an Empty Document

Its strange how i can have all these ideas floating around in my brain, which i have seem to have misplaced again, and the moment i decide to actually sit and write they all go "fly away little butterfly".

Do i need to hit up the local university and stand behind the library looking for the college student selling Ritalin just so i can focus. Speaking of which i think one just walked by, no wonder all those bio majors get straight A's. ~sigh~

Well, honestly i am at a loss for words at the moment,and i feel like running full speed into a wall maybe then ill at least get something on paper. (taped sheet of paper on wall, yush blood splatters should suffice.) ~THUD~ DAM I MISS THE DAM PAPER !!!!

An Awakening

Today as i looked upon my face in the mirror i realized that although i am still young time has flown by me so quickly. I see the signs of age slowly creeping up upon my face and the affects of pulling all nighters, stress, tears, joy, smiles, to much partying, fights, experiencing love in its truest of forms, and knowing the true dept of heartaches. Its rather wicked how you wake up and you realized that you are at a lost for how you got to where you are, and how you look around not knowing exactly when you took the wrong fork in the road or when you lost track of what you "were" supposed to be doing. And at the same time i really can not complain. For although life has an ugly way of unraveling and often times is an unpleasant experience I am glad for every scar, smile, wrinkle,and memory i obtained. And the ever elusive feeling of happiness drives you forward, giving you hope that one day you will reach the end of that long road and hold happiness in your arms victorious. Its like flirting with death. Some only feel alive when they put themselves inches from it, while the pursuit of happiness flirts with you, giving you moments of unending joy and leaving you feeling cold and lonely like waking up from a night of too much drinking and searching for the familiar smiles of those you had shared cheers with.

I am putting miles on my body, mind and soul and often times i feel that ill break down at any moment, however my body refuses to give up, my mind drives me forward and my soul is full of hope.I hope i will stand one day victorious with happiness in my arms, love in my heart and peace of mind but to be honest its become harder to find a reason to keep pushing foward with each passing day pulling me deeper down into the dark. The light is somewhere up there but im not sure i can keep clawing my way out everytime i fall. what is this darkness? what is light? what secrets do my own eyes hide from me. i look out and face life, my own adventure, my own story written not words but with each day i live.



a new awakening awaits...