Destination Redemption

~warning written under extreme sleep deprivation so please pardon me~


Title- Story of a Lost Soul


Drifting in and out of consciousness, a calm slowly takes hold of me. A long drive and slowly i begin to lose myself.

Keys in the ignition

Car in drive

Music on

Pull onto the expressway

Everytime i undertake the long journey home, i slowly begin to lose myself on the blacktop with yellow lines that lead to the horizon. It never ends always another on ramp, another road that leads to destinations unknown. And while i know exactly where im heading its not just a journey of physical space, but it is also, in a way, a spiritual journey for me. Two hours, not a long drive in many standards but long enough to lose yourself in thought.

I pull onto the expressway slowly losing myself to those hypnotic yellow lines. Its late and the street lights slowly begin to blur and there are barely any cars on the road, the scenery passes by so quickly i hardly take note anymore. In the passenger seat is my friend, i offered to drive there so they can make the drive back safe and sound. His snores slowly fading into the background and its just me and the endless expanse of road in front of me.

Thoughts run through my head...

Its the official start of the holidays, but why doesnt it feel like it. As a matter of fact it hasnt felt cheery or merry since i was a small child. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, all excuses for my family to want to see me, for me to come home so they can slowly nit pick at everything that i am doing or have done wrong in my life. False smiles, Whispered betrayals, all done in the name of the good spirit of the holidays.

My friends, god it was so nice to see them. I must see them more...

What the FUCK is playing on the radio... must plug in ipod/ insert cd. where have all the good music gone....

Is he snoring?

I cant wait to get home, i miss my family...

I hope they dont bitch again....

COP ?!?!?!? Damn rent a cop had me fooled again. i wonder why do they have to drive cop look-a-like cars?

The further i drive the more i lose myself into my own mind. And slowly begin to take a look at myself. 21 and with nothing to show for it. So young many might say, but as i look at my peers i feel as if i have been left behind. Most of them will be graduating soon, and will start the dreadful ~cough~ i mean "wonderful" ~cough~ journey into the working class, most taking jobs that they will hate for the rest of their lives. But the more these yellow lines pass me and the scenery blends into one giant blur around me, the passengers snores fade and my mind is transported.

I dont want to wake up when im older and go what the fuck did i do with my life, or wake up knowing that i hate my job everyday. Im a simple person with not many wants. (Ok i confess i do have a lil addiction to shoes and peacoats), but in reality i just want to be happy.

I think of my mother, my father, my cousins, brother, grandparents. All of which seem to be dreading waking up and heading to work. Most to burnt out to really enjoy anything, always bitching about one thing or another.

I want to be happy and all that entails for me is to do something i love like write, draw, teach, tell stories, create or corrupt since i know im not a very good example setter. See highschool years. See vices. See Sailor mouth.

And as i slowly lose myself to those yellow lines i feel as if the closer i get to my destination the closer i will somehow arrive at an ephipany. But ephipanies dont happen, not for me they dont. I will still arrive the same lost soul that i was when i left point A, just in a different location. Four years of waiting, Four years of trying and like someone told me its always something else that goes wrong in my life. Maybe its me being a Pessimistic basturd. Optimism doesnt come easy when your evaluating your own life. Its easier to see the good in others, but your own that a whole different cluster fuck you have to deal with. A discombobulated mass of bullshit that not even the best puzzel solvers can deduce.

And as i pull into the home stretch home, 30 more minutes, i realize once again, my problems are trivial. I have a home, a family, although overbearing and often times neurotic, they love me. I have glorious friends. They often time swabble amongst each other, but will always be there for you.A group of strange and ecleetic personalities, most others would look upon and question "do they really all hang out together?" But i wouldnt have it any other way. This strange group of people that most would classifly as weird and off beat are the most genuine and real people i know.

Its just another night driving to visit the family and im twitching from all those energy drinks. Its just another 2 hour drive home and im here. Its time to see the family the old cronies from high school and the devil cat from hell which needs to be tossed out a moving vehicle. I am home and slowly i am begining to feel the holiday cheer, wishing i could share it with those i have left behind at point A, wishing i can share it with the one who is far away. Wishing that hopefully this new year ill have discovered myself.